as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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