come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize