I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
