Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
