I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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