Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
