omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
