Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
