Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
