life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
whose ass print is on the piano?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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