thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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