Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
