New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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