chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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