U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
thus making me awesome and them whores
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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