We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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