good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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