its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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