I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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