I hate all girls vehemently.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
