I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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