My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
