my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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