Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
