I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
