im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
