Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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