he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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