all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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