I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
