but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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