Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
