I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
