when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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