i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
