i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
