I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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