I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
