I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize