so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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