I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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