Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
