I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
