The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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