Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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