You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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