i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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