Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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