I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
