If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
