Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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