he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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