The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
