shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
