i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
