I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize