Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
