I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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