I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
