Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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