I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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