why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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