the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
40s are totally the cure
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
