Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
