this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
